- “You had insurance on that guitar, right?” Yeah, but it doesn’t cover beer guzzling jerks who slam dance to my folk music.
- “The lighting tech accidently knocked your guitar over.” He actually knocked it OFF the four foot high stage. Fortunately, my guitar is built like a ’55 Chevy. Not much could kill it except the airlines.
- Speaking of airlines: “We don’t reimburse for damages to delicate items.” Look, a**hole, it’s in a case made with three-quarter inch plywood and inside, it’s surrounded by three inches of foam. It’s not any more delicate than your head.
- “Sorry the party was a bust. Go home early. Here’s half your pay.” This really happened to my musician father. His response? “You don’t understand. You don’t pay us to play music. You pay us to haul in all this stuff and we DID that.”
- “What’s your real job?” Killing clueless audience members.
- “Can’t you just do that as a hobby?” Sure, just like you can teach or practice law as a hobby.
- “Your CD was great. I’ve burned all my friends a copy.” See number five.
- “Can you play Stairway to Heaven?” Sure but it’ll cost you A LOT of money.
- “If you lost some weight you’d have quite a career.” If you gained some intelligence, you’d have quite a life.
- “Could you please turn the drums down?” I have to play this loud so I can hear over the noise in my head.
- “Can you play a little quieter? I can’t hear my friends talk.” Sure, tell me when you have that big meeting at work and I’ll be sure to show up with my metal band.
- “Is that a real song or did you make it up?” Clearly, it’s a fake song.
- “Can you play something we can dance to, like an Elvis song?” Sure, lemme crank this acoustic guitar up to 10 ½.
- “Your new CD isn’t as good as the last one, is it?” No, it sucks. That’s why I scraped together the $10,000 to record it.
- “Was that your sound check?” No, it was my idiot check and I’ve determined that you must go.
- “How about doing music that people know?” I’m happy to play “Born This Way.” Damn, I forgot my meat dress.
- “YOU know. It’s goes like this … dah, dah, dahdah, dah dah dah.” Duh.
- Said by a sound tech after an hour long sound check, “You’ve just never had good sound before.” Right. I wish my acoustic guitar sounded like a 747 taking off at O’Hare ALL the damn time.
What you should never say to a female musician:
- “We’d keep you as a vocalist and guitar player if you’d just dress sexier. “ As soon as you gain intelligence I’ll buy the push up bra.
- “I can’t believe your boyfriend lets a pretty little thing like you on stage.” I can’t believe idiots like you are allowed to roam free.
- “Are you the drummer’s girlfriend? Wow, that’s nice of you to carry his drums in for him.” Oops, the cymbal bag slipped. Sorry ‘bout that.
- “You can play my bongos anytime.” To which the girlfriend replied, “Sorry buddy, but she’s playing mine.”
- “Let me show you how to play that thang, sugar babe.” Oh thank you, big strong man.
- “Are you here with your boyfriend?” Sure, he’s the one with the “no one knows I’m a lesbian” t-shirt.
- And my personal favorite, “You play pretty good for a girl.”
Some of the comments were made to me. Ask me to play “Stairway to Heaven.” I dare you.
Got any to add?
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Thanks to my Facebook friends for the awesome help: Shannon Wade, Sarah White, Phyllis Free, Laura McLean, Gwen Frederick, Marla McCulloch, Marcia Gallas, Jackie Gaston, Cathy Chalmers, Martine Locke, Mandy Louise Clayton, J.D. Doyle, Cindi Zuby, Suzanne Cardinal, Millie Pankow, Wes Collins, and Chris Wilson. Most are pretty damn fine musicians. Look ‘em up.