Last week I posted the things you should never tell a musician. I figure it’s only fair to turn the tables and tell you what a musician should never tell an audience. Thanks to my Facebook friends for the assistance.
- “My new album is so good I can’t stop listening to it.” (Actually said by one of my opening acts.)
- “Here’s a song I don’t know very well. Hope you like it.” Chances are I won’t. Hint: it’s not “there is a bathroom on the right.” It’s “there is a bad moon on the rise.”
- “It’s great to be back in Cleveland!” Uh, you’re in Poughkeepsie.
- “Sorry the sound is so terrible.” (Every channel will now go up to “suck” [it’s just past 10]. Never piss off the sound tech.)
- “Oh, do I need to tune the banjo?” Only if you want the neighborhood cats to stop howling.
- “Oh my gawd I am sooo drrrrunk.” So singing a full step off most of the time wasn’t intentional?
- “I am not wearing underwear.” I think I’ll move from the front row.
- “Did any of you actually pay or are you all volunteers?” We’re actually chained to the tables.
- “Who took my beer?” You drank it. And the six before. Is your set done yet?
- “I just broke up with my girlfriend. You’re all in luck ‘cause now I have all these new songs.” You’re in luck. I just bought this air horn.
- “I can’t see any of you because the spotlight is in my eyes.” Too bad because we’re all naked.
- “I’m sorry I’m sick … I’m tired … I’m out of practice…” I’m sorry, I’m out of here.
- “This song is about my house, my life, my girlfriend, my dog, my car, my breakfast, my hangnail …” If a song needs a ten minute intro then you need to put more into the song.
- “Lady Gaga ripped off this song.” Oh go buy a meat dress and shut up.
- “No one’s ever written a song about boogers so we have.” There’s a reason for that. (Actually said by an act that opened for me AND did the song.)
- “My album is for sale over there.” Yes, we saw it the first 20 times you mentioned it.
- “It’s the drummer’s fault … the guitar player … the sax player …” I am not Dr. Phil. Please work out your band drama elsewhere.
- “Can someone get me a drink?” Sure honey, here’s some water. Your band will thank me.
- “Here’s another song for my pookie-honey-baby-sweetie.” There are 20 other people here who are not your pookie-honey-baby-sweetie.
- And my personal favorite, “That song sounds better on my album.” God bless auto tune.
Thanks to my Facebook friends for their astute contributions: Anna Maria Trusky, Wilma Harder, Aunti Laura, Deidre McCalla, Nancy Burgess, Shawne Anderson, Retts Scauzillo, Trish Williams and Robin Flower.
I’m not really this mean. Unless you’re playing an out of tune banjo.