A banjo player and a nun walk into a bar …

I love musician jokes. Here’s a few I’ve heard. I’ve thoughtfully categorized them. You’re welcome.

General

How do you get a musician off your porch?      Pay for the pizza.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?      Homeless.

How do you know the musician on stage is a lesbian?      Her guitar has a kick-start.

 Singer-songwriters

What’s the difference between a singer-songwriter and a puppy?      Eventually the puppy stops whining.

What’s the difference between a singer-songwriter and mutual funds?      Eventually the mutual funds make money.

Drum

How do you fit 100 drummers in a phone booth?      Throw in a food stamp.

How do you know the stage is level?      Drool is coming out both sides of the drummer’s mouth.

Who do you call someone who follows musicians around?       A drummer.

Guitar

How many guitars does a musician need?      One more.

What do you say to a guitarist in suit?       Will the defendant please rise?

What do you call a building full of guitarists?      Jail.

How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?     Put sheet music in front of him.

Bass

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?       None. The keyboard player can do it with her left hand.

How do you know there’s a bass player at your door?      The knocking speeds up and he doesn’t know when to come in.

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?      Put a chart in front of him.

Accordion

What’s the least used sentence in the English language?      “Isn’t that the accordion player’s Porsche?”

What do you call an accordion player with a beeper?      An optimist.

What’s the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?      The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What do you call 100 accordions at the bottom of the ocean?      A good start.

What do you call a group of topless women playing accordions?      Ladies in pain.

Banjo

How long does it take to tune a banjo?      Nobody knows.

There’s nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it’s the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

There’s a dead skunk and a banjo on the road. What’s the difference?      There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What’s the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?      The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

How many banjo players does it take to eat a possum?      Two. One to eat and one to watch for cars.

Folk

There are tens of dollars to be made in folk music.

What’s the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?       A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

How do you make a million dollars in folk music?      Start with two million and quit early.

Blues

What happens if you play blues music backwards?      Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

What does it say on a blues singer’s tombstone?      “I didn’t wake up this morning…”

 Rock

Son: Mom, I want to grow up and be a rock musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can’t do both.

Punk

How many punk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?     Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Country

What happens if you play a country song backwards?      You get sober and mama gets out of prison.

Jazz

How many jazz players does it take to change a light bulb?      Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?      1. None. Jazz musicians can’t afford light bulbs.  2.”Don’t worry about the changes. We’ll fake it!”

Classical

What’s the difference between a pit bull and a soprano?      Jewelry.

How do you know a viola is out of tune?      When the bow is moving.

How do you keep a harp in tune?    Keep the door closed.

What do you call a conductor without a lawnmower?      Unemployed.

What’s a bassoon good for?      Kindling for an accordion fire.

What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra?      The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

What’s the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?      There are some things a pig just isn’t willing to do.

 

What’s your favorite musician joke?

*******************************************

Thanks to my Facebook friends for the great jokes: JD Doyle, Marianne Barlow, Cathy Chalmers, Ann Hackler, Kurt Fortmeyer and Lisa Koch. Strangely, most of them are musicians.

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About jamiebobamie

Musician - teacher - writer - gets bored easily. I write an almost-weekly blog that includes true stories gathered from 20-plus years of touring, how-to articles for musicians and profiles of performers. Also, I love dark chocolate, I can play "Brown Eyed Girl" behind my head, and I twirl the baton badly.
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24 Responses to A banjo player and a nun walk into a bar …

  1. sandyrapp says:

    Lovin’ it Jamie, SandyRapp

  2. Laura Weiskamp says:

    So what happens after the banjo player and the nun walk into the bar?

  3. JD Doyle says:

    Good job….:)
    like the second to last one best

  4. Jean mann says:

    A guy leaves his car unlocked accidentally, walks away, with his accordion in it. He comes back an hour later. Someone had broken in to his car, and there were 4 more accordions.

  5. J. Boor says:

    Q: What’s the difference between a soprano and a porsche?
    A: Most conductors have never been in a porsche.

  6. Gwen Frederick says:

    on behalf of all guitarists, drummers, and bassoonists out there……FU! LOL!

  7. You heard about the (insert you favorite kind of musician here) who won the lottery? Kept doing gigs until it was all gone.

  8. jane says:

    What’s the definition of perfect pitch?

    The sound of a banjo hitting an accordion when it is tossed into a trash bin.

  9. mefoley says:

    I endured a train ride to London a while back — about 40 minutes — on the aisle seat of a row with a horrible loud woman in the window seat who droned on and on to the guy sitting across from her, without shutting up the entire trip. From what I could tell they were bassoonists, and she was telling tuba jokes (you couldn’t make it up, at least, *I* couldn’t make it up). The woman was an American, and I just sat there thinking that this whole train-carriage load of English people iare (okay, grammatically that should be is, so sue me) going to get off the train with the loud obnoxious American stereotype reinforced. I stepped out onto the platform at the end, having said nothing, but got a wild hair and turned to the equally silent woman who’d had the middle seat and said, in my still-American accent, “We’re not all like her” and the woman cracked utterly up! She said “That’s good to know!” in an English accent and we went our separate ways…

    So what were the tuba jokes? The only one I remember had to do with a little girl who starts taking tuba lessons: she comes home the first week and can play one note; she comes home the second week and can play two notes; she comes home the third week and when her family asks what she did in her lesson, she said she didn’t have time for a lesson, she’d gone out to play a gig.

    Yeah, I know. Thigh-slapper. (All the freakin’ way to the freakin’ city…I’m telling ya’…)

  10. You gave my raining morning lots of sunshine and laughs !! Love ya’ — Annie D’Alberto

  11. Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it’s electrified.

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