I love musician jokes. Here’s a few I’ve heard. I’ve thoughtfully categorized them. You’re welcome.
How do you get a musician off your porch? Pay for the pizza.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? Homeless.
How do you know the musician on stage is a lesbian? Her guitar has a kick-start.
What’s the difference between a singer-songwriter and a puppy? Eventually the puppy stops whining.
What’s the difference between a singer-songwriter and mutual funds? Eventually the mutual funds make money.
How do you fit 100 drummers in a phone booth? Throw in a food stamp.
How do you know the stage is level? Drool is coming out both sides of the drummer’s mouth.
Who do you call someone who follows musicians around? A drummer.
How many guitars does a musician need? One more.
What do you say to a guitarist in suit? Will the defendant please rise?
What do you call a building full of guitarists? Jail.
How do you get a guitarist to stop playing? Put sheet music in front of him.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None. The keyboard player can do it with her left hand.
How do you know there’s a bass player at your door? The knocking speeds up and he doesn’t know when to come in.
How do you make a bass player turn down the volume? Put a chart in front of him.
What’s the least used sentence in the English language? “Isn’t that the accordion player’s Porsche?”
What do you call an accordion player with a beeper? An optimist.
What’s the difference between an Uzi and an accordion? The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
What do you call 100 accordions at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
What do you call a group of topless women playing accordions? Ladies in pain.
How long does it take to tune a banjo? Nobody knows.
There’s nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it’s the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
There’s a dead skunk and a banjo on the road. What’s the difference? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What’s the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
How many banjo players does it take to eat a possum? Two. One to eat and one to watch for cars.
What’s the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer? A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.
How do you make a million dollars in folk music? Start with two million and quit early.
What happens if you play blues music backwards? Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
What does it say on a blues singer’s tombstone? “I didn’t wake up this morning…”
How many punk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
How many jazz players does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb? 1. None. Jazz musicians can’t afford light bulbs. 2.”Don’t worry about the changes. We’ll fake it!”
What’s the difference between a pit bull and a soprano? Jewelry.
How do you know a viola is out of tune? When the bow is moving.
How do you keep a harp in tune? Keep the door closed.
What do you call a conductor without a lawnmower? Unemployed.
What’s a bassoon good for? Kindling for an accordion fire.
What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra? The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
What’s the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor? There are some things a pig just isn’t willing to do.
What’s your favorite musician joke?
Thanks to my Facebook friends for the great jokes: JD Doyle, Marianne Barlow, Cathy Chalmers, Ann Hackler, Kurt Fortmeyer and Lisa Koch. Strangely, most of them are musicians.