Ukulele for beginners, dress code optional

The ukulele is one of the easiest instruments to play. No need to run out for a loud Hawaiian shirt, you can dress any way you please and play almost anything on this cool little instrument. Here’s a quick tutorial. If you live in the Ottawa, ON area and want a teacher, please contact me.

Buy a ukulele

You probably want a soprano, concert or tenor ukulele. (A baritone is tuned like a guitar so I won’t talk about them in this post.) Don’t worry about brand. You should be able to get one for under $100. You can spend as little as $30 but be careful you don’t get a toy. Buy it at a reputable music store. Prices may be cheaper at a pawn shop or garage sale but too often, you get what you pay for.

Tune

Soprano, concert and tenor ukes are tuned G, C, E, A (lowest sounding string to highest). Invest in a tuner and it’ll tell you when you’re getting close to the right note. The best ones are the ones that clip onto the instrument, like this one:

Or, you can use this site and hear what each string should sound like.

Hold it

Hold it under one arm. Put your left hand under the neck and place your thumb in the back or on top of the neck.

Learn some chords

Just look at the diagram like it’s the top of the ukulele neck. The dots are where you put your fingers.

This video gives you a quick tutorial on the C and F chords:

Strum

Strum down with your thumb and up with your index finger. Move down and up in an even and steady way, like you were moving to the ticking of a clock.

Find songs

There are thousands of songs at Chordie.  After you find a song you like, look at the right side of the page and where it says “tuning” change it from “guitar” to “ukulele” and it’ll give you the ukulele chords.

Also, I highly recommend the music at Heartwood Guitar.  Even though the chord sheets are set up for guitar you can see what the chord name is and then look it up on a ukulele chord chart. Here are some great songs for beginners:

Found a peanut

Wild Thing

Orphan Girl

Teardrops on My Guitar

Happy playing!

Ten tips to overcoming stage fright

Afraid you’ll stop breathing and careen into the front row? I’ve toured for over 25 years and I’m still alive. I must be doing something right.  Here’s what I do:

Know your material well

Whether you’re giving a speech or playing a few songs at an open mike, practice until you wake up in the middle of the night mumbling your presentation. Practice everything – even what you say between songs. If you freeze up in the middle of your performance your muscle memory will kick in. I’ve had times where I freaked out, looked at my hands and they were still moving into the right chord shapes, like an alien had taken over.

Visualize your performance

Visualize this kind of crowd.

Sit or lay in a relaxed pose. Close your eyes and picture how the performance will go. Imagine walking up to the stage – what does the floor feel like under your feet? What sounds do you hear – your footsteps, the crowd? Then think about standing in front of the mike and smiling.  Imagine how your hands feel on the strings or keys. Go through the entire show with you hitting every right note and word, visualizing smiling faces, tapping feet and enthusiastic applause.

Check out the venue beforehand

Walk out on the stage. Stand at the podium.  Stroll around and really get a sense of the place.

Make sure you have everything you need

Insure that you have your instrument(s), music, stands, water – whatever you need. Make sure the sheet music or notes are large and readable. If you’re outdoors, have a way to clip the music on the stand.

Wear comfortable clothing

You might want to avoid clothing like this.

Don’t pick this time to wear those new designer shoes. Wear clothing that you know you feel and look good wearing. Don’t wear something you’ll be tempted to fiddle with like a tie or a bra with straps that tend to slide.

Take care of yourself that day

Don’t plan too much. Take a relaxing bath. Send the kids to Grandma’s. Allow yourself plenty of time to get there.

Warm up

Take a walk. Do some light stretching exercises.  Hum and then sing a few notes, working from low to high.

Breathe

Just before walking on stage close your eyes and take some calming breaths. Remind yourself to breathe when you’re out there.

Know that everyone is your friend

On the whole, audiences want you to do well. Don’t think of them as stern and hard-to-please. Think of them as people who love you and want you to excel.

Focus on positive looking audience members

Don’t focus on someone who looks like this.

Don’t look at the one in the crowd with the crossed arms who looks like they’d rather be getting a root canal. Look at the people who have an open and relaxed posture. In noisier venues I focus on the people in the front rows – generally they’re more engaged.

Now go out and enjoy yourself!

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Knowing your instrument well will help you with stage fright. If you live in Ottawa, ON and you’d like lessons on guitar, mandolin or ukulele, contact me.

Keith Richards did what? Some of my favorite musician biographies.

I am a voracious reader who adores biographies, especially of musicians. It’s nice to slip into someone else’s life plus I find cool things like Alix Dobkin used to have late night breakfasts with Bob Dylan. Here’s a list of some favorite biographies, in no particular order.

If you want to purchase any of these books I highly recommend AbeBooks and Powells. Both are large independents who treat their employees well.

Dream a Little Dream of Me – the life of Cass Elliot by Eddi Fiegel

This sometimes sweet and sometimes sad book is a great glimpse into the hippie music scene of 60’s and 70’s California. It’s wonderful to find out more about the person behind that amazing voice. And no, her death was not caused by choking on a ham sandwich.

Life by Keith Richards and James Fox

He tells us in a matter-of-fact way about writing some of his well-known songs (many in an open tuning which was news to me), touring and extensive drug use. Given the latter it’s amazing this man is still alive. Some of the stories are almost unbelievable, like driving to European gigs with his young son where he’d ask his kid to let him know when he was close to a border so he could pull over and inject all the drugs he had with him.

My Red Blood by Alix Dobkin

It’s a fascinating read about growing up the daughter of Communist parents, hanging out in the vibrant Greenwich village folk scene of the 60’s and eventually becoming an out lesbian performer. And yep, she broke toast with Dylan.

Be My Baby by Ronnie Spector with Vince Waldron

Fascinating read about her life as part of the 60’s girl group the Ronettes and married to Phil Spector, a controlling man who used to lock her in her bedroom.  She’s an inspiring survivor.

I, Tina by Tina Turner

While I’m writing about powerful women who were once married to assholes, I can’t leave out the fabulous Tina Turner. From a naïve teen from Nutbush, Tennessee to the strong woman who traveled the world, her journey is truly inspiring.

Finding Her Voice – The Saga of Women in Country Music by Mary A. Bufwack and Robert K. Oermann

I had no idea there were so many interesting and powerful women in country music, from Patsy Montana to Dolly Parton, until I read this book. More than a dry recitation of names and facts, you can find out a lot about these wonderful performers.

Dolly – My life and other unfinished business

Speaking of my favorite blond – I love this woman and I loved this book. She’s one of the best songwriters I know. It’s all there, from her hard scrabble childhood in the mountains to making a movie with Jane Fonda. The book has some great photos including one of her surrounded by her best girlfriends. In the back are some commonly asked questions and answers like, “Why do you wear five inch heels?” Her answer? “Because I can’t find six inch heels.”

Bound for Glory by Woody Guthrie

He traveled all over the US by boxcar and by thumb, meeting up with a whole bevy of interesting characters. Wrote some pretty fine songs too.

Buried Alive  – the biography of Janis Joplin by Myrna Friedman

This is an interesting story about the fast living bluesy rock singer who died way too young. Friedman tells the story with realistic dialogue and vivid descriptions of the time. I’ve read other books about her but this is the best.

Society’s Child by Janis Ian

I couldn’t put this book down. It’s an engaging story about the woman who had her first hit at the age of 15. Her poignant song “At Seventeen” came out when I was seventeen.

Coal Miner’s Daughter by Loretta Lynn and George Vecsey

It’s an unpretentious heartfelt rags to riches story. In it she tells us that a few of her friends are gay and she doesn’t care what anyone thinks. Still another reason to like this terrific country singer.

What’s your favorite musician’s biography?

A banjo player and a nun walk into a bar …

I love musician jokes. Here’s a few I’ve heard. I’ve thoughtfully categorized them. You’re welcome.

General

How do you get a musician off your porch?      Pay for the pizza.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?      Homeless.

How do you know the musician on stage is a lesbian?      Her guitar has a kick-start.

 Singer-songwriters

What’s the difference between a singer-songwriter and a puppy?      Eventually the puppy stops whining.

What’s the difference between a singer-songwriter and mutual funds?      Eventually the mutual funds make money.

Drum

How do you fit 100 drummers in a phone booth?      Throw in a food stamp.

How do you know the stage is level?      Drool is coming out both sides of the drummer’s mouth.

Who do you call someone who follows musicians around?       A drummer.

Guitar

How many guitars does a musician need?      One more.

What do you say to a guitarist in suit?       Will the defendant please rise?

What do you call a building full of guitarists?      Jail.

How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?     Put sheet music in front of him.

Bass

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?       None. The keyboard player can do it with her left hand.

How do you know there’s a bass player at your door?      The knocking speeds up and he doesn’t know when to come in.

How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?      Put a chart in front of him.

Accordion

What’s the least used sentence in the English language?      “Isn’t that the accordion player’s Porsche?”

What do you call an accordion player with a beeper?      An optimist.

What’s the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?      The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

What do you call 100 accordions at the bottom of the ocean?      A good start.

What do you call a group of topless women playing accordions?      Ladies in pain.

Banjo

How long does it take to tune a banjo?      Nobody knows.

There’s nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it’s the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.

There’s a dead skunk and a banjo on the road. What’s the difference?      There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What’s the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?      The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

How many banjo players does it take to eat a possum?      Two. One to eat and one to watch for cars.

Folk

There are tens of dollars to be made in folk music.

What’s the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?       A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.

How do you make a million dollars in folk music?      Start with two million and quit early.

Blues

What happens if you play blues music backwards?      Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

What does it say on a blues singer’s tombstone?      “I didn’t wake up this morning…”

 Rock

Son: Mom, I want to grow up and be a rock musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can’t do both.

Punk

How many punk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?     Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

Country

What happens if you play a country song backwards?      You get sober and mama gets out of prison.

Jazz

How many jazz players does it take to change a light bulb?      Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?      1. None. Jazz musicians can’t afford light bulbs.  2.”Don’t worry about the changes. We’ll fake it!”

Classical

What’s the difference between a pit bull and a soprano?      Jewelry.

How do you know a viola is out of tune?      When the bow is moving.

How do you keep a harp in tune?    Keep the door closed.

What do you call a conductor without a lawnmower?      Unemployed.

What’s a bassoon good for?      Kindling for an accordion fire.

What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra?      The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

What’s the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor?      There are some things a pig just isn’t willing to do.

 

What’s your favorite musician joke?

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Thanks to my Facebook friends for the great jokes: JD Doyle, Marianne Barlow, Cathy Chalmers, Ann Hackler, Kurt Fortmeyer and Lisa Koch. Strangely, most of them are musicians.

Ten favorite practice excuses busted

I’ve played the guitar for about 40 years and taught for 8. I’ve become an expert on excuses for not practicing. Read on for ways to get beyond them.

1. I don’t have time.

Definitely the most heard excuse. And sure, we’re all busy. I’ve even had ten year olds tell me they’re too busy to practice. But really, you only need 15 minutes a day. That’s it. More is better, of course, but if you’ve only got 15 minutes, use it.

2. I’m not inspired.

The clouds will not part and reveal a heavenly voice encouraging you to play. Just play. Put the stuff you’re less excited about at the beginning of your practice, and then dangle a carrot in front of you for the end of your practice. Carrot, hell, dangle some chocolate cake – whatever flips your switch. For instance, if I need to practice some scales, I do that first. I promise myself once I’m done, I can work on that new song I’m excited about.

3. My fingers hurt.

Of course they do. You’re asking your hands to do something you don’t usually do in day-to-day life. More practice will strengthen your hands and increase flexibility. Only your finger tips and maybe another part of your hand (if you’re doing a lot of barre chords, for instance) should hurt. If you’re having arm or shoulder pain it could mean that your technique needs to be corrected. See a teacher for help. (If you’re in Ottawa, please contact me.) Or it could mean that you’ve simply overdone it.  Be sure to rest.

4. I don’t know what to play.

It’s a big music world out there and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed.  Don’t go crazy downloading a bunch of music. Learn just two or three pieces at a time. It’s better to be able to play a few pieces well then a pile of songs you kinda know.  Also, don’t get caught up in drills and scales. They’re good to learn but give yourself some fun stuff too. I always do better when I learn some favorite songs that might have the technique I want to learn.

5. I don’t have the space to play.

Create it. One of my students lives in a small apartment with others so he goes into the dining room, faces his chair toward the wall and cheerfully ignores everyone else who lives there. Have a chat with your roommates/family and tell them not to disturb you while you’re practicing. If you play with an amp, invest in headphones so no one else can hear you. Consider the garage or the basement or waiting until the kids are at grandma’s. There’s always an opportunity for you if you really want to play.

6. I’m tired.

There are times when your schedule has kicked you in the arse. It’s okay to forgo practice for that day. Rest is a good thing. However, you don’t want to do that for too many days in a row or what you’ve gained with all that hard practice will start to leak out of your brain. And that can get kinda messy. Remember, you only need 15 minutes of practice.

7. I don’t seem to be making progress so why bother?

You will not become Bonnie Raitt in one week. Sometimes progress is slow. Just stay with it. NONE of my students have failed to reach their goals if they practice regularly and have a good attitude. You may not turn into Segovia, but you’ll probably be able to play that piece you love so much.

8. No one in my family has musical talent so I guess it’s in the genes.

It isn’t. I have students who are the only musical ones in their family and they’re doing just fine. Sure, having music in the home when you were growing up is an advantage and some people do have something in their DNA that helps – otherwise, I’d be on tour with Lady Gaga. (Maybe I can compensate by wearing a meat dress while I’m teaching?) But everyone can play if they practice. (Have I said that enough?)

9. I can’t afford lessons.

With all the free stuff on the net you’re telling me this? Check out my earlier blog about some free sites I recommend. And even if you can’t swing private lessons, check out group classes at recreation centers and schools because they’re usually more affordable. Maybe you’ve got a friend who’ll show you a few chords? If you know a few basics, go to a jam. You don’t have to be the hot picker who solos on every song. Sit on the outside of the circle and play quietly, doing your best. Watch the others.

10. I’ll never be as good as ______ so why try?

Yeah, I’ll never be Julia Child so why bother cooking? Maybe ‘cause I’ve gotta eat? You want to play, so play! We don’t approach other things in our life like that … well, if I can’t be the greatest leaf raker in the world, I’m not going to do it … we just do it because the yard looks so much nicer when it’s raked.

Now go rake some leaves!

Easy to play string instruments – size matters, doesn’t it?

Well … no. Surprised? So are some of my beginning mandolin students. Not that you should forget about playing that cool little instrument, just don’t be mislead by the small size.

Wondering what instrument to pick up? Here’s a list of suggestions, based on my years of experience.

 Easiest string instruments

Ukulele

It’s only got four strings, they’re nylon (which is easier on the fingers than steel) and some chords only require one or two fingers. They’re amazingly versatile little things – you can play everything from “You Are My Sunshine” to “Good Riddance.” They’re very portable and inexpensive too.  Great for kids because of their small size but lots of adults play them too.

 Lap dulcimer (aka Appalachian dulcimer)

Most have three strings (or three sets, with two strings so close together they count as one). On one string (or set) you play the melody line. The others are drones – you don’t press them down, just include them in your strum. You’ll be playing a song within a few minutes of sitting down to play. It’s possible to play chords on it too. Here’s Cyndi Lauper playing hers:

Don’t confuse the lap dulcimer with a hammered dulcimer. I think you have to have a physics degree to play one of these:

 Autoharp

Even though I still have nightmares about grade school music and the teacher who played one of these, I have to admit that they’re really easy to play and damn, if Janis Joplin played one they can’t be bad. You need a sense of rhythm to strum but you don’t have to do much with your other hand but push buttons. Want an A chord? Press the A button. It’s almost as easy as Guitar Hero.

 Somewhat easy string instruments

Guitar

I’m a teeny bit biased since I’ve played one for forty years. They’re versatile, portable and you can find lots of instruction material. It’ll take a while to build up calluses, especially if you have one with steel strings. I’d stay away from this guitar though:

Banjo

If it’s tuned to an open G (as they often are for bluegrass), you’ve already got a chord without pressing down any strings with your left hand. Other chords require just a couple fingers and not much of a stretch. After playing awhile you can incorporate the melody into the chords, bringing you up higher on the coolness scale.

 Electric bass

After you learn a couple of bass line patterns, you can start plugging them into your favorite songs. It’s not a solo instrument unless you’re Stanley Clarke but it’s a lot of fun and great for a jam or in a band.

Not to be confused with a stand-up or acoustic bass. They have no frets and frankly, scare the bejesus out of me. Looks like a nice ride though:

 Instruments that are a bit of a challenge

Mandolin

If you already play guitar these aren’t so bad. However, if you don’t play an instrument at all, I suggest starting on one of the above instruments because strings are harder to press down on the mandolin. It’s something about the way they’re constructed. Also, while there are some great two finger chords you can do, it’s really in your best interest to learn those four finger chords bluegrass players often use.  Those take a while and require some finger strength and flexibility.

Twelve string guitar

If you already play a six string they aren’t hard and they sound ultra cool. However, sometimes you have to have the strength of a ninja to press down the strings. They can be a pain in the arse to tune too.

Speaking of tuning

Get a tuner. They don’t cost very much and will save you a lot of headaches. There are apps that’ll work too as well as websites (google “tune guitar”) and videos that can help.

How to learn these fabulous instruments

Get a teacher. If you live in Ottawa and want to learn guitar, ukulele or mandolin, I’m your woman. If you live elsewhere, check out my earlier blog about finding a teacher. You can also teach yourself. I’ve got a blog about where you can get material.

Pardon me, is that a beaded bra or are you just here to surprise me?

I stood there in the middle of a cavernous college student center with my acoustic guitar, singing songs for GLBT pride week. Some students were scurrying off to classes while three or four lingered around the pride week information tables. No one was listening to me until I got to my song “Menstrual Tango.” A few people turned around … “Did she just say ‘menstrual’?” Then a couple of very tall drag queens slowly danced across the floor, dipping and swaying in an exaggerated tango. At last, someone was paying attention. After the song, everyone returned to whatever they were doing as if some cop had swept in and thundered, “Move along now, there’s nothing to see here.”

In over 25 years of touring I’ve had my share of weird gigs. I’m not the only one. My friend Julie Nicolay, a horn player, performed for a Junior Miss pageant in 1977 when she was a college student. She arrived early to practice and went to the green room located in a musty basement. She was horrified to find that it was packed with overly made-up little girls sporting big hair and surrounded by their hovering mamas. Someone asked what she had in the case. When they found out one of the mothers came over, thrust a twenty dollar bill in her face and demanded, “Play ‘Happy Birthday’ for my little girl.”  Encouraged by the twenty – it would buy a lot of peanut butter for this college student – or maybe just overcome by the hairspray fumes, she dutifully played the tune.

Cellist Margaret Kelly did a gig with an orchestra playing for kids. The first two rows decided they’d see how many rubber bands they could shoot into the f-hole of her cello. Rock bands complain about sleazy clubs where they play behind chicken wire. They’ve never faced an audience of ten year olds.

Folk singer Trish Williams remembered a performance with others in the 70’s where a brick was heaved through an open window. Fortunately, they were in the middle of singing a song called “Working Woman” for which they’d donned hard hats.

That reminds me of a gig I did in Portland in the early nineties. An anti-gay law was up for vote so there’d been the threat of violence around town. The gig was at an MCC (Metropolitan Community Church), a church known for acceptance of GLBT folks. During my show we heard a big crash from outside. I saw eyes fly open and a few turned heads but I just kept playing. I figured if I was going to go out I might as well do it singing “Menstrual Tango.” Fortunately, nothing else happened but it was real hard to get that audience to laugh.

I was feeling pretty confident at a gig-in-the-round in Nashville because I’d just performed “I Wanna Be a Straight Guy” and they liked it – maybe they didn’t hear the line where I come out – so for my last number I launched into a  snarky song about our esteemed president (at the time) Mr. George W. The boos started behind me about halfway through the song and grew until it got a little scary. This was the South, after all, and some of those people owned guns. Fortunately, I could see little pockets of support all around the room so I continued on. Afterward, the performer next to me grinned and said under her breath, “Aren’t you glad you didn’t open with that song?”

My friend Paula talked about the time her thrash band played a graduation party. When one of the female partiers winked at a large dude with a mohawk, all hell broke loose – apparently her drunken redneck boyfriend did not appreciate that she’d batted her eyes at another guy, especially an African American. The resulting melee drew the cops. Paula had to throw her drums over a fence to get away.

Another musician, Shannon, told me about a gig opening for The Butchies and Gretchen Phillips that happened not long after 9/11. The cops shut down the show and closed off nearby streets because protesters outside had left noise shakers filled with rocks and pebbles that looked like white powder. Shannon had to lug her gear blocks away to her car.

It’s not just musicians who have strange gigs. Bellydancers are sometimes asked to do weird stuff  because people don’t understand what they do. Maybe they should hand out cards that say “1. No, I don’t strip, 2. Yes, what I do is work and you should pay me.” A friend of mine, Amara, was once asked to surprise a doctor. She hid in a room, covered by a blanket, pretending to be a patient.  I can only imagine the look of surprise when said patient jumped off the table, uncovered a beaded bra and skirt and began to dance. Another time, at a jewelry store, she pretended to be a customer looking at engagement rings. When the guy beside her asked what she liked – meaning the rings, of course – she responded with “I like to dance.” She then removed her cover-up, revealing a costume – I guess bellydancers do take off some clothing — and shimmied around the room. I hope she had a sure-fire way to identify the guy she was supposed to surprise.

Here’s a video of Amara doing a normal gig. I guess she didn’t tape the one done in the doctor’s office.

Performers, tell us about your weirdest gig. Bonus points if it includes the cops, a beaded bra or hard hats.

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Amara is also a wonderful photographer. She took the photo of me at the top of this post. Check out her work here.

Thanks to my Facebook friends who contributed to this blog – Julie Nicolay, Margaret Kelly, Trish Williams, Paula, Shannon and Amara.